Fall Back

I can't believe we have made it through the first quarter of school.......it has been tough for me at my school, lots of changes and paperwork.....not to mention the school is on the hit list for closure....ugh.......i do have great teammates which helps....
For the boys, zac has done pretty well and Timmy is a work in progress...he is struggling with the same issues as last year....we finally decided to try meds and see if that helps....
We had a blast in Atlanta for the Phillies series at the end of September and pulled hard for the Braves in the playoffs but they couldn't overcome all the injuries.....looking forward to next year already....Zac is loving baseball and Timmy is loving lacrosse.....
For me I enjoyed my support group and still am seeing the consuler. It has been hard at times but more good days than bad. Still get lonely but am better. Been on some dates that were fun and just trying to be patient.....just wish I could have a partner to share things with.....it also helos when I can get SLEEP....that to is a work in progress......
so we go on....
Thankful for my kids and family and hoping we ride through the challenges and appreciate the blessings

Labor Day

A beautiful day here is NC......humidity has come back but it is still nice. A much better nights sleep as helped the perspective and mood. Also, having a lazy day to get ready for the week. Had a good run even with the humidity and a chat with a new friend on line....interesting......glad for a bit of downtime, knowing the next weekend will be spent running to games and practice. I just am ready for some things to go right and to not get so crushed when they don't....part of the downfall of being an emotional person.
I guess it is like is was reading in a book with the rats and pushing the button to get a treat. When you always get one you press, when you realize you never get one you quit and when you randomly get one you keep pressing in the hopes you get one.....that is how I feel sometimes.......
Trying to be in the solution and not be too needy and impatient.
Thinking this will be a good, busy week.......

5 months.....we are still here

It has been way to long since I have tried to write thoughts down. School ended Ok for the boys, not where they should be but they survived. The end of the year was hell for me as the scores were bad and there was much bloodletting in staff meetings. I was totally stressed and still have sleep issues. Summer was OK. We enjoyed uor annual trip to the beach and a trip to Atlanta with the boys to catch some games. That was good. Dave and I re-assessed our relationship for the better I suppose but it is hard. Still hate being lonely. I started seeing a theparist and that has helped as well has being on a medication so my moods aren't quite as weepy. I got some of the things fixed around the house, still have a way to go but now it is looking like I need to stay since the market sucks and I can't live anywhere else for cheaper.
The big event of the summer was meeting my biological mother and half sister. It was awesome and affirming and amazing how much like her I think I am. I also have met my half brother. That was definately a high point, even including the crazy trip there with airline issues.
I celebrated by 45 birthday 9/4 and it was OK. I had dinner with Dave Thursday and then mom took me and the kids out Friday. Sat I got a massage and pedicure. I got lots of fun messages on facebook. I was hoping that Sunday would be the great end to the weekend I had a good workout and even got all made up but Dave txted that he has a throat infection so no dice on the motorcycle ride. It just kills me to be so disappointed about that, it is not like he planned it. I just got my hopes up. All I wanted was a boat ride or a bike ride and he didn't want me around his wife so no boat and today no ride. I hate feeling this was but I just am so lonely. I just am tired of things not working out. I mean he can't be my boyfriend and I have him as a great friend but I still go to bed every night alone. I am a mess tonight. I am so independent about everything else I just need to be nurtured and if I don't get that from him I feel like I don't get it from anyone. I just want to be held and loved. I am tired of my ex yelling at me all the time and me having all the responsibility of the house and most of the kids by myself. I think that being independent has its merits but it also means that because I can do all these things I get no help. I just need to get over myself and to not get dark and needy when Dave doesn't txt me.
I have had a few dates. none have worked. I went out with Dave's brother and liked him but the feeling wasn't mutual. I was very disappointed about that. Another friend of his has been in touch but he is gone this weekend. I had a date from Match but he was a bit metrosexual, though nice. Probably too pretty for me.
So in a nutshell things are OK. As a whole things are better but this is just a really bad afternoon. I am so tired of getting my hopes up only to have them crushed. I am not asking for the moon just a bone every now and then and for something to go right.
So tomorrow is another day and here is hoping I can get some sleep and it will be better.

Baseball and School

Well, the baseball aspect of life is going well. Two wins for JMA middle. School on the other hand is a struggle. Don't know what it is but my boys are driving me crazy with not turning in work, forgetting to give me field trip forms and in general not being motivated. They are capable but just not getting it all together. I hope this turns around soon. We have 38 days of school to get through and my goal for them is to end fourth quarter on a good note. The boys spent this weekend with their Dad and seemed to have a good time. It gave me a bit of a break, I went to a movie with a girlfriend Friday, Date Night, (really funny) and Saturday my mom took me to dinner and I endured the Braves game (they were on the wrong end of a no hitter). I was able to get the yard work done and the pollen hasn't quite killed me yet. Also, got the shopping done so we should be good for another busy week. I think we have 3 more weeks of middle school ball and then things should begin to get a little less hectic.
On the boy front for me it is still a no go. My buddy has been totally unavailable and the guy I went out with hasn't called so oh well. I just would love to have someone to hang with of the male species who has time to devote to me. Guess I will have to wait as it is not the right time apparently. At least the Braves had a great win today and the weather is great. Trying to find all the positives........I am working on cleaning out stuff in the house that I haven't used in years with the assumption that I will be selling the house next spring. I need to get back in touch with the handy man and make a list. So we go on and hopefully this will be a great week.

Spring Break

Well, we had a much deserved break from school and work for 6 days. The boys and I went to Atlanta to catch 2 Braves games, both wins :) The boys were extra excited to get balls at batting practice Wednesday and then get them signed by Brian McCann, the Braves catcher. We all got to see Jason Heyward's first major league home run on his first swing at his first at bat. IT was WILD!!!!!
We stayed at my friends condo so we also got to enjoy the pool, though the pollen was totally outrageous, especially for mom. It was so nice to be in the company of adults and to have the work spread out, IE I was not totally responsible for everything. It was so nice.....and hard to leave that and come back to the reality of me doing all the heavy lifting. So I am adjusting back to being alone and getting everyone ready for the week back and the 4th quarter of school. We have 43 days left and then SUMMMER!!!!
The boys seem to do doing OK all things considered, though I think they miss male company. They enjoyed Dave throwing the ball with them Monday. I know I miss adult company. I talked with a friend who is a widow and it really helped since though our situations are different there are some things that are similar. It is just a wild ride at times.
School is still a struggle to get all things done, and turned on time and the goal for the new quarter is to do better at this. Also, telling the truth instead of making up stuff or not really getting at what really happens. I am trying to get them to see that the truth, though not fun is better than me finding out later that that was not the case.
So we go one and try to make the best out of what we are given.
Hopefully, this week will go well and we will get the games in for baseball and school will go well.

Spring has Sprung

Well, it has been way too long since I wrote anything about the kids or myself. This has been a month of highs and lows that somewhat mirror the weather. We began the month with snow and are ending it with beautiful spring NC weather. Baseball is going well for Zac, there team is 2-1 with two games cancelled because of wet fields. School is still a cross to bare for him and for Timmy. Timmy crossed over to the boyscout troop this past weekend. Timmy seems to enjoy time with Eddie at his place and Zac is more 50/50 about it. I guess that is to be expected. We are excited for Spring Break and going to Atlanta to see the Braves.
As for me I feel like I am a mess half the time. My buddy has been slammed at work and then has to go home so I have had little time with him and he has been my rock and I miss it terribly. I did meet one of his friends and he was nice and all but is in a messier situation than I am with his separation so he is not ready for a relationship and to devote any time to me. I miss having someone here in the evenings. It gets pretty lonely and I miss the hugs and snuggles. I know that things will look up as there are more opportunities to meet people and maybe I can find someone who can be for me. It is totally exhausting to do all this by myself, from the kids to the yard and all that is in between. I know things could be so much worse and I am grateful for all I have but it does not erase what I miss. I am looking forward to a good spring and some wonderful opportunities to grow and be a good mom.

March Arrives Like a Lion or a Lamb

Well, we made it through February and have gotten through the first month (just about) of our new normal. The kids seem OK with it, there is definately less tension in the house, but they are still having some issues in school, getting assignments completed and the like. Zac's basketball coach has been a real help and hopefully he will be playing baseball so he can stay focused. I also need to check on line more frequently so I can stay on him. We start baseball tryouts tomorrow. Timmy is on a daily sheet and so that will help me and him be focused. They have spent some time with Daddy and here also. We are figuring everything out with that.

As for me, I am ready to get some things figured. I had a great weekend with Dave in Atlanta, even though we were both getting sick with the creepy crud colds. Then the following week we had no time together and this weekend he was gone. I don't handle that well since I feel so good when I am with him and when it is the weekend I get lonely. I hope that when the weather turns for the better that he will be able to introduce me to some guys so that he and I can figure out what our deal really is. GRRRRRR If I didn't feel this crazy connection it would be a no brainer and it probably should be anyway.

So lion/lamb???? we shall see. Monday should good weather wise but who knows emotionally. Then Tuesday????? maybe more snow??????

Our New Life

Well, we are in the new phase of our life. Eddie is moved out and we are now a family of 3. The week at school and home seemed to go very smoothly. Actually, I feel like a weight has been lifted and that there is much less tension. My workload even seems less. As for the boys, they seem ok. Finally met with Timmy's teacher and we got some things in place to help him be more successful. We had the Pinewood Derby at scouts today. His car did not do that well but he had fun. He spent lots of time with Daddy so he liked that. We had a surprise snow fall so that was fun for the boys and the dog. We have out rescheduled baseball team party Saturday night so that should be fun for Zac. It will be very weird for me and was being at the scout function. Partly because I feel really lonely today and then people are not aware of the situation and it is a stupid weekend of supposed romance of which I am sorely lacking today and tomorrow. Actually being at work gives me less to think about with that.
I really don't even know how I got myself in the situation I have with my ???? Dave. We have this amazing connection and it just feels so amazing to be with him. He has really gotten me through this past month and a half. Keeping me level headed and helping me realize what I deserve in a relationship. For better or worse we crossed some lines we shouldn't have which is really messing with me. He is married which complicates things obviously. He has had issues in his marriage and we both feel this amazing connection but for me it means I just get these bits and pieces when it works and then I am all alone again. We are supposed to get out of town this coming weekend and after that I just need to force some kind of a decision. It is killing me not to be with him and the physical part is pretty amazing. I get that I had the ability to say no but really followed what he was willing to do which is no excuse. Grrrrrrrr really should just end the physical and then figure out if we could be friends. I feel like I need a friend who gets me.
Maybe I will get a grip as I move through this time in my life.
So that is where we are at this point in the journey.

Snow Days

Life has definately fit the title of the blog lately. Plans have been made for moving out 2/5 and we meet with the lawyer 2/3. The house is a wreck with all his stuff everywhere a constant reminder of where this is all headed. I feel that this is the best thing for the family at this point since apparaently he has no interest in me or this relationship so here we go.
The kids seem ok......hard to tell with them. Timmy's report card was not what it should be so I have a meeting with his teacher Monday assuming we are able to have school after all the snow, ice and freezing temps.
The best part of all this has been reconnecting with a friend from HS who has totally gotten me through this mini hell. He seems to know what I need and best yet when I need it. He has been so supportive and keeps me rational most of the time at least.
My family has been great to, this is a new road for all of us and they are being really supportive. I am hoping that once he gets all this stuff out and I can get it the way I want it that that will help. It is really hard to look at all the boxes and know that the day is just around the corner even though I feel this is now the right thing to do it is still hard.
We got his with a big snow/sleet/cold event that has been fun but with the cold is lasting longest that usual. Fun times in NC.........This kids and dog are totally lovin it. The dog was made for the snow and would spend all day out if I let her.
This is not a road I thought I would be taking but it is the road I am on and I will make it a good trip.

Baby It's Cold Outside

Well we survived the first week back at school after Christmas break. It was hard to get used to getting up again and it didn't help that the temp was in the teens every morning and the highs only in the 30's. Very unusual for here. We are usually in the 40's and 50's....soooo lots if layers and bundling up.
The kids got back in their routines without too much grief. Zac had a game on Thursday and he scored:) First basket of the year for him. Their team got killed but he got lots of playing time. We had a good weekend for the most part. A friend from high school gave me some firewood, which was great since the stores were sold out, so we were able to enjoy a fire while watching football. The Jets pulled it out, yeah and the Pats lost so that was good for me. The other games not so good for me.
On the relationship front, things are still the same. He can't make a move since he has no money so we are stuck for now. I have reconnected with a friend from HS so that helps keep me centered and not so overly emotional. He is married so there is no chance there.
The kids are ok and they are my concern. Looks like we can go to Atlanta for opening week of baseball and catch some games.....so something to look forward to.
We are hanging in there even if the situation is not ideal. Life is too short to be unhappy and if he is that miserable he needs to fix what is broken so everyone can find some peace.
Hope that this week goes well also and then a short week the next week.

Back to work reality

Well, tomorrow it is back to work/school. Part of me is craving the routine but the other part loves the freedom and lack of schedule associated with vacation. I know the first few days will be hard since the kids are used to staying up late and sleeping in.
My new year started with a bang as on New Years Eve I washed my cell phone....needless to say it was a fatal mistake and with all that is going on right now I definitely need to have a phone and ways to get messages only for me. I ended up getting a blackberry...I really wanted the droid but due to financial issues not gonna happen.......the blackberry ended up being basically free with my rebate....I will pay more per month but now can do email and Internet which might be helpful in the future. So, I have been working on figuring out some of the ends and outs of the phone and hopefully have it functional enough that I can get by as I learn.
The kids seem OK with all the weirdness going on. I have no idea what Eddie is up to being on the kids computer all day...hopefully figuring out how to get us out of all the debt he got us into...if only our time share would sell......then basically problem solved for me.
Well, so far on the resolution front doing OK. It is killing me not to be able to run after doing something to my Achilles tendon. I may try walking at the gym today since it it COLD. What is up with this Yankee weather invading my south??????
I realize how special my boys are and how much I love them and pray that they come through this OK.

Resolutions, Smezalutions

It is that time to rethink and redirect. I guess that I have picked a few things to try and resolve and improve on in the coming year.
The first and most important is (given all that is going on with my husband) is to be a better and more consistent mother to my boys, to let them know that they are loved and cared for and to give them a soft place to fall when the times get tough.
Next, is to organize this house and get the little ticky tac stuff worked on so that if we need to sell, we can without too much grief (i hope)
Probably, like what everybody says is to get rid of a bit of this weight that I have put on recently...not much..10 lbs or so and to be better and more well rounded in my workouts at the gym.
Then I want to get my spiritual life in better order and be grateful for what I have and more positive even in hard circumstances.
I hope everyone has a good first day of the new year.