Sunday, September 5, 2010

5 months.....we are still here

It has been way to long since I have tried to write thoughts down. School ended Ok for the boys, not where they should be but they survived. The end of the year was hell for me as the scores were bad and there was much bloodletting in staff meetings. I was totally stressed and still have sleep issues. Summer was OK. We enjoyed uor annual trip to the beach and a trip to Atlanta with the boys to catch some games. That was good. Dave and I re-assessed our relationship for the better I suppose but it is hard. Still hate being lonely. I started seeing a theparist and that has helped as well has being on a medication so my moods aren't quite as weepy. I got some of the things fixed around the house, still have a way to go but now it is looking like I need to stay since the market sucks and I can't live anywhere else for cheaper.
The big event of the summer was meeting my biological mother and half sister. It was awesome and affirming and amazing how much like her I think I am. I also have met my half brother. That was definately a high point, even including the crazy trip there with airline issues.
I celebrated by 45 birthday 9/4 and it was OK. I had dinner with Dave Thursday and then mom took me and the kids out Friday. Sat I got a massage and pedicure. I got lots of fun messages on facebook. I was hoping that Sunday would be the great end to the weekend I had a good workout and even got all made up but Dave txted that he has a throat infection so no dice on the motorcycle ride. It just kills me to be so disappointed about that, it is not like he planned it. I just got my hopes up. All I wanted was a boat ride or a bike ride and he didn't want me around his wife so no boat and today no ride. I hate feeling this was but I just am so lonely. I just am tired of things not working out. I mean he can't be my boyfriend and I have him as a great friend but I still go to bed every night alone. I am a mess tonight. I am so independent about everything else I just need to be nurtured and if I don't get that from him I feel like I don't get it from anyone. I just want to be held and loved. I am tired of my ex yelling at me all the time and me having all the responsibility of the house and most of the kids by myself. I think that being independent has its merits but it also means that because I can do all these things I get no help. I just need to get over myself and to not get dark and needy when Dave doesn't txt me.
I have had a few dates. none have worked. I went out with Dave's brother and liked him but the feeling wasn't mutual. I was very disappointed about that. Another friend of his has been in touch but he is gone this weekend. I had a date from Match but he was a bit metrosexual, though nice. Probably too pretty for me.
So in a nutshell things are OK. As a whole things are better but this is just a really bad afternoon. I am so tired of getting my hopes up only to have them crushed. I am not asking for the moon just a bone every now and then and for something to go right.
So tomorrow is another day and here is hoping I can get some sleep and it will be better.

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